WARNING: Some "foul" language will follow. Not an easy post to make.
I have always experienced some sense of disappointment when I get excited and look forward to something. And it seems that whenever I allow myself to feel this way, I experience another disappointment. It is SO frustrating!
David and I will not be going through the IVF process next month (or anytime soon for that matter) because my blood sugar has been too high. They are classifying me as a Type II diabetic which really pisses me off. I am disappointed in myself for letting my eating and lack of exercise habits get out of control. I am mad because yet again another factor that has pushed back our IVF cycle was never discussed with me until AFTER it became a problem.
I also have a clotting disorder. I have no idea what this means but I'll find out more during my appointment with the hematologist on Monday (12/13). I don't think it affect our IVF but I'm not getting my hopes up that it won't.
In the midst of all the appointments I had to determine if we could go forward with the IVF, I was even more pissed off because I had to answer the same set of questions four different times in the span of 2 hours. This would normally annoy me but not make me mad. I was mad that day because I had applied for a position with Sanford in their electronic health records department and never heard anything back. I can clearly see an issue in the implementation of their electronic health record system...
Too many people are having babies..which also pisses me off....
We've been going through this process since March. That is an awfully long period of time...I'm quite sick of it. If we don't do the IVF before March, I have to do all of my tests all over again. All the blood work, ultrasounds, etc. This really, really sucks not only for me but our bank account.
My goals are:
- To get through the holiday season by remembering the birth of Jesus as the Reason for the Season. Our God is an awesome God. He has a plan for me...I just need to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
- Not kill anyone that says that they are pregnant (I really am happy for you..I'm just annoyed with my situation).
- Continue to lose weight (my pants are falling off me as it is).
- Join Carbaholic Anonymous (does you think there is such a thing?).
Oh, Carmen. I am so so sorry. I know how incredibly frustrated you must be. This waiting for a baby thing is super hard, isn't it? It's just awful.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers are with you, Carmen. I can only imagine the disappointment you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things in this world that are out of our control, and sometimes our frustration clouds our vision to see the things we CAN control. Give yourself time to grieve, time to vent, time to be angry, but don't wallow in it. First off, that isn't who you are. You have surpassed incredible odds and climbed huge mountains your entire life-as crappy as it is, apparantly it is time to climb another one. Find the spots in all of this craziness that you CAN control, and jump in with both feet.
Some day, I know you will be a spectacular mother. It just may come to you in a more unconventional way that originally planned.
Smootches and big hugs!!
Michele
Not fair Carmen. Just not fair. I hope you find strength and support in your honesty. Wishing you the peace you seek.
ReplyDeleteDebi
Oh, Carmen. I am so sorry to hear this news. Know that you and David are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteTashia
Hi Carmen- so sorry to hear the latest news. I know you and your hubby have been wanting this for so long and so excited about it. You two would make such awesome parents. The next time will be even better. By then, you will be healthy and ready!. Everyone would want you to be healthy first right? Hoping for the very best!. ~ CC
ReplyDeleteHi Carmen,
ReplyDeleteI'm a little late to this post, but was just catching up on your blog. I'm so sorry you are facing this, and am keeping you and David in my prayers. Much love, Gina