Updaate

It has been so long since I've written and I'm not sure if a blog is the right way to go about this because Facebook and other forms of Social Media have seemed to take over our lives. I like the idea of a blog but I'm not that good at keeping it up. I keep thinking that maybe I'll be better at it once I have something "worth" blogging about… kids, travel, etc. I'm not so sure. Sometimes I wonder if I should turn it into a Creative Memories Project blog now that I've caught the digital scrapbooking bug! I guess I'll have to play it by ear!

 

Here is an update on our last IVF cycle:

 

• I survived giving myself five shots/day for a week while traveling to/from Arkansas for work! My stomach looked awfully gross with all the bruises I gave myself. David is much better at hitting the same area than I was, which really minimized the bruises.
• I tried acupuncture, which I feel really made a difference in how I felt overall.
• I had minimal headaches from the drugs but other than that I didn't have any side effects.
• I had NO CYSTS!
• David was my rock and support as always.
• My retrieval went well. I had almost no pain afterwards - still in shock over this!
• We retrieved I think 12 eggs. Four of those eggs fertilized. Of those four embryos, three had TCS and 1 did not. The most exciting part of that was that the one that didn't have TCS was an "A" quality embryo.
• We transferred that one embryo on July 9th, 2012. 
• We cried as we left the hospital.
• I had the most relaxing acupuncture session after the transfer. They turned off the lights. I had David turn off my hearing aid and take it out. I think I even snoozed for a bit.
• My two days of bed rest were long...and somewhat boring.
• On Friday the 13th, I started to spot. My nurse told me to just watch it but there really wasn't anything they could do.
• On Saturday the 14th, I ran two errands which proved to be too much for my body. I started spotting like I was having my period. I never knew a run to the pharmacy would take so much out of a person.
• I was still spotting pretty good on Sunday the 15th and called my nurse. She said again that there was not anything they could do. I could take my pregnancy test early if I wanted to or just wait it out. We decided to wait it out because I didn't want to get a false positive and then be upset if it wasn't positive.
• I continued to spot that entire week.
• On Friday the 20th, I took my pregnancy test. There were several awkward exchanges between the nurses and I...they were SO EXCITED for me that I was taking my pregnancy test. Because I work with the doctor in Sioux Falls, the nurses in Fargo had no idea what I was going through (the spotting).
• We received a call on Friday afternoon that our pregnancy test was negative....

 

I don't remember what we did the next several days...I seem to remember that we had something planned that evening? I remember us talking in the car about our next steps. Where were we going??? I have no idea....

 

Now what? On July 27th, David and I met with a social worker for Lutheran Social Services/The Village Adoption Option. While sitting there, David and I both thought "wow...it's only been a week..." After that visit, we both decided that adoption was an option, but we needed to allow ourselves time to grieve and process what had happened.

 

Through this process we realized that we handle our grief differently. I cling to David. I don't want him to leave my side. I torture him by making him watch reality TV and my other “crap TV” shows. He finally had to tell me that although he wants to be there for me, he needs his time alone with his video games to truly process things. He grieves by losing himself in games and I grieve by losing myself in reality TV. What a pair!

 

On Friday, August 17th, I drove to The Village in Fargo and submitted our application. This is the first step to the adoption process… a process that can take 1-2 years. 

We have adoption training in Minneapolis the end of October.  After the training, we will begin the assessment process, which will include a home study. 

We thank you all for your prayers and well wishes throughout our process.  Your support has really helped us through and kept us strong. 

Photo A Day Challenge - June 2nd

I only took one photo yesterday. The assignment was something shiny. I took a picture of my wedding ring because I just went in for my 6 month warranty check. They always clean it up really nicely and it sparkles so much!!

Photo Challenges - June 1

I'm trying to do three or four photo challenges. Two of the assignments for today were a self-portrait.

The third challenge was my life. David is my life. We love the song Marry Me by Train. Today and everyday I would marry that man.

The last one was morning. I didn't take a pic this morning.

Hoping I can keep this up but I cannot make any promises.

Some people have no clue...

Some people have NO clue what it is like to struggle with infertility.  Yeah.  True.  I'm not technically infertile but David and I are struggling to start our family just as other couples/women/men do.  Yes, we probably don't truely get it either. 

I've realized in the past week that so many people just don't get it.  They don't understand that certain conversations rip our hearts out of our chests but we put on a happy face. 

People don't realize how isolating this it is.  We want to share in your joy but sometimes we just don't wanna. 

Even those women who were once struggling to start their family but now have a child or two (or three or four or...) FORGET the struggle.  I imagine it just like the pain during childbirth.  You soon forget how bad it really was as soon as that beautiful baby is in your arms.  This one I find particularily hard to understand....

I've been pretty open with our journey and somedays I regret this.  I'm someone who will complain.  I sometimes "foam at the mouth" with my negativity.  Sometimes I want to suffer or grieve alone. 

Not sure I know what the right answer is because everyone will repsond differently and there really isn't any way to know what makes them sad about this issue.  I just wish people would get a clue....

Flower

I rejoice the days the my iris plants are coming in! This summer I am hoping to expand my garden but first I meds to figure out the perfect location for my hydrangeas.

Here are my beautiful iris plants.

Someone who makes me happy

#PHOTOADAYAPRIL

He makes me happy. What can I say?!?

Reflection - April 1

I'm trying that photos a day challenge again for April. April 1st was reflection. I like to dress goofy when I'm at home working. On Monday, I wore leggings, Christmas shorts, tank top, hoodie, and socks. David was super embarrassed of me! LOL. I had fun.

Today is leggings, nightgown, socks, pink fuzzy slippers, and an athletic/workout jacket. I'm sexy and I know it. I work out.

A pound of Peanut Butter Cups

I ate a pound of Reece's peanut butter cups in the past three days. Somebody isn't dealing with her delayed UVF cycle very well.

It's National Walking Day. Out for a walk I go! How many hours do I have to walk to burn off a pound of peanut butter cups???

Oops.

March 30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 1 -Up

I've decided to try a daily photo challenge for the month of March. I am hoping I can keep this up so that I can, at some point, make a scrapbook of these pictures.

Today's picture assignment was "Up". I have been working in my dining room this week. The basement just seems so depressing now that the snow has finally fallen and stuck around. When I look "Up" from my computer, I see this picture.

The picture is called Grace and was first photographed by Eric Enstrom in 1918 in Bovey, MN. I grew up admiring this picture. Seeing it in almost every home of my relatives. I affectionately called this painting and it's female counterpart "Grandma and Grandpa Moses". Not sure why!

This photograph was originally black and white. Later on, Enstrom's daughter added color by painting the photograph in oil paints. She passed away this week. Her passing allowed me the opportunity to read more about this painting.

I took this photo using the Instagram app on my iPhone.

Drug Protocol

I was so relieved yesterday when I talked to my nurse. I was really worried that my drug protocol would be different than last time. I responded so well to the protocol last week as far as side effects are concerned. I was worried I would be placed on different drugs and I would start having the horrible side effects I had heard about (weight gain, hot flashes, etc.).

I will be on the SAME drugs (thank you LORD!). The first drug (lupron) will be in a smaller dose in hopes that we don't supress my ovaries as much. This is to increase the number of eggs. This is a good thing because I did not get that many eggs last time for the amount of stimulation medications I was on. I will take this two times/day.

When I start the stimulation meds (2 drugs), I will take those two times/day rather than 1 time/day like the last cycle. The dosage is similar.

After the transfer (pray we make it this far!), I will be on the same drugs as before but adding a patch. The patch will just help my body maintain the pregnancy. Sounds like a good deal to me!

April IVF

Leave it to the cost concious couple to decide to move up their IVF cycle date because of almost expired medications and costly bloodwork!

I called my nurse this morning to talk about the drug protocol and a few other questions I had. During that time, I found out that David would have to take his HIV/Hepititus tests again. Federal (?) law requires that you have this bloodwork done once/year. It is quite costly ($300 plus with insurance) to do this. David was NOT looking forward to doing this again and shelling out the funds!

Then I discovered that 8 viles of one of medications was going to expire in April. I thought no big deal but my cost conscious hubby thought differently.

One of the reasons for delaying the IVF for May/June was my school work and the Fargo Marathon races (I'm doing the 5k and David the 1/2 marathon). David thought it was pretty silly to revolve our IVF cycle around the marathon dates! Good point, honey!

We are scheduled to start the process on Tuesday, February 28th with birth control. I will have my baseline ultrasound on March 23rd and start the medications on March 24th. We are tentatively scheduled for a retrieval date sometime in the week of April 2nd-6th.

We are excited. I'm a little nervous. I'm the most nervous about the spinal. I just didn't enjoy being paralyzed for six plus hours.

Scheduling "conflicts"

Part of my exhaustion with our IVF process is determining WHEN we should schedule the cycle. David is going to be running the Fargo 1/2 Marathon the middle of May. I have my graduation on June 9th and my last day of school is June 11th.

We were hoping for May to avoid any possibility of this "large amounts of snow" we were "promised" for this winter. Yeah, we see how much that has worked out!

We were worried that we might be stranded in Fargo during a snow storm when we should be in Sioux Falls. IVF cycles are very time sensitive.

I don't want to be on drugs when I "run" the Fargo Marathon 5k. I would prefer not to be on the stimulation drugs during the graduation ceremony. We have to work around Memorial day holidays and vacations. David said that we could have a graduation party at a hotel in the cities (am I 5? I want a pool party! LOL). The stimulation drugs also pretty much prevent us from leaving the Fargo-Moorhead area because we have to be able to do ultradounds whenever the doctor tells us we need to.

I guess we have waited this long. What is another month?

Graduation Date!

I am scheduled to graduated on June 9th in Minneapolis! Wahoo! I cannot wait!

Exhausted!

Every time I think about our upcoming IVF process I become exhausted! I am worried because I'll be on a different drug protocol than I was on before. Two additional drugs were added - one is a patch and the other is a shot but I'm not sure how often I'll have to take them. When we went through the process last time, my nurse had mentioned that the Fargo office was "spoiling" me because I only had to take my shots once/day and that they make their patients split up the medication doses to twice/day. I am assuming that we will have to start doing the shots twice/day. This exhausts me! I had no side effects on the previous protocol...so I'm nervous that I'll have not flashes, more pain, and even more cysts (I had one last round which was the cause of most of my small amount of pain).

I am exhausted every time I think about being paralyzed from the waist down for 6 plus hours (result of the spinal).

I need to have strength to make my "demands".

• Demand 1: We will not be paying the pre-payment amount because I don't want to have to deal with trying to figure out where my money went again.
• Demand 2: I want the same anesthesiologist as I had last time. Patients with TCS MUST have a care team that understand TCS and our difficult airway issues. It's a life/death type situation. Thankfully this is on my chart now as the people in Fargo kind of dismissed my claims of difficult intubation.

Yeah, I'm exhausted....